Warning: Tele-Rapist On the Loose

It started out like any normal morning.  I check my email, get on Pinterest to see what I missed overnight, dish out cereal for the kids and unload the dishwasher and fold clothes from the dryer.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**ring**
**ring**
**ring**

I race back to the bedroom to try and get to my cell phone before the Grey's Anatomy theme ring tone comes to an end.  "Huh, weird number," I thought as I noticed the incoming call was from "319."

"Hello?"

"Hi. This is (whatever his name was)," a man with a thick Indian accent greeted me.  "Your computer has a virus and you need us to run a check to see if you need our anti-virus software."

"I don't need your software.  My computer is fine."

"No.  Your computer has a virus."

"No.  It doesn't."

"Yes.  I can see that your computer has a virus.  It is very dangerous."

"Dangerous?  Like it will explode?  Is it going to hurt me?,"  I sarcastically ask to try to tick this guy off.  I should've just hung up.  He is obviously weird.

"I can see your computer on our router and I can tell you the ID# on your computer.  This proves that I can access your machine and I know that it has a virus,"  he continues to convince me about my dangerous situation.

"Wow.  You are magic," I taunt him.

"You need to go over to your computer and turn it on now so that I can verify some numbers on it," he tells me.

"I don't have time for this.  My computer is fine and you are wasting my cell phone minutes."

"What is your land line phone number and I will call you back on that to discuss your computer virus."

"I don't have a land line."

"That is not possible.  How are you accessing the Internet and I can see your computer?," he asks.

"You tell me.  You are the magical computer man,"  I answer.  In retrospect, I have no idea why I am still on the phone with this guy from India.

THEN HE ADDS TO THIS ALREADY WEIRD PHONE CALL: 

"F*@k you.  Yeah.  F%#k you."

(l   o   n   g     p   a   u  s  e   on my end of the phone as I try and decide whether he actually said what I heard him say or if his accent was just too thick and he obviously was just saying "Thank you.  Yeah.  Thank you.")

"Excuse me?,"  I try and confirm.  "What did you say?"

"I wanna f*&k you.  You sound so cute.  I want to f#@k you."

"Oh my gosh.  Goodbye."  And I hung up on the tele-rapist.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

People.  I usually tend to exaggerate and dramatize events in my life when re-telling stories just to make them funnier or more exciting.  I promise you this is a word for word transcript of the phone call I received this morning.  HOLY CRAP!!!!  When I hung up, I think I stood in my bedroom for a solid 30 seconds dumbfounded that it actually happened.  Then, as I usually do after anything notable, I called my sister.

After I told her about the tele-rape, she laughed so hard she couldn't speak.  My husband did NOT find it as funny.  He was mad and acted protective of me.  Kinda sweet.  If I think about it too long, I almost want to be mad, too, and feel a little violated.  But that's boring and melancholy, so I am going to act like Kelsey (my sister), and laugh at the hilarity of it.

Though I mainly share the story because it just is too bizarre not to tell, I also want to let everyone know to be careful if they get calls warning of a computer virus and DO NOT TURN ON YOUR COMPUTER.  Apparently it is an identity theft scam and the posed tele-rapist telemarketer is trying to get you to share computer information so that they can hack important information like credit cards and passwords off your machine.